TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional spot where American Gentlemen can don robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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